Beyond Words: What Nonviolent Communication Taught Me About Understanding Others
European Solidarity Corps · Learning & Reflection
Beyond Words: What I Learned About Listening
Reflections on Nonviolent Communication during my European Solidarity Corps experience
I remember sitting in one of our project discussions and realising that I was already preparing my answer before the other person had finished speaking. I was listening, but I was also waiting for my turn. That small realisation made some of the ideas in Nonviolent Communication much more personal to me.
During our European Solidarity Corps project with The Good Seed Project in Luleå, our project coordinator, Joshua Armfield, introduced us to Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg. We read and discussed the third edition together, looking at how the ideas in the book could apply to situations we encounter in everyday life.
I expected a book about avoiding conflict. Instead, I found something that made me look more carefully at what happens inside a conversation: what I actually observe, what I assume, what I feel, and what I need.
That made the book particularly relevant to an ESC experience. When people from different countries, languages, personalities, and backgrounds live and work together, misunderstandings are part of the experience. What matters is how we respond to them.
1. Listening Is Harder Than It Sounds
One of the first habits I noticed in myself was how often I listen while already formulating a reply.
Someone is explaining a problem or sharing an opinion, and part of my mind is deciding whether I agree, thinking of a similar experience, or preparing a solution. I may hear every word without being completely present.
The approach in Nonviolent Communication encouraged me to slow that process down. Before defending a position or offering advice, I can first try to understand what the other person is experiencing and what is important to them.
This became especially relevant in an international volunteer group. A sentence that sounds direct and perfectly normal in one culture can sound harsh in another. Tone, eye contact, pauses, and even the amount of talking can carry different meanings.
I have started to understand that listening is not simply remaining quiet while someone else talks. It requires attention, patience, and the willingness to accept that my first interpretation may not be the whole story.
2. What Happened and What I Decided It Meant
One of the clearest ideas I took from the book was the difference between an observation and the judgement we attach to it.
Someone arrives twenty minutes after the agreed meeting time. That is what happened.
That is the meaning I have added to the event.
The interpretation might turn out to be correct. But it is still an interpretation. When you live abroad, it is easy to explain unfamiliar behaviour too quickly. We may decide that somebody is careless, distant, rude, or inconsiderate before we know the circumstances.
I have found that simply noticing this habit gives me a little more room to pause. Instead of reacting to an assumption, I can ask a question or wait until I have more information.
That does not solve every misunderstanding, but it can stop a small misunderstanding from becoming a much bigger one.
“The useful question is not always ‘Who is right?’ Sometimes it is simply ‘What is actually happening here?’”
3. Feelings Can Tell Us What Matters
The book also made me look differently at my emotional reactions.
It is easy to say, “You made me angry,” or “You made me feel ignored.” Other people's actions certainly affect us, but there is usually something underneath the reaction as well: an expectation, a value, or a need that matters to us.
This became useful while living far from home. Homesickness, frustration, uncertainty, loneliness, and excitement all become part of the experience of being abroad.
Instead of treating those feelings simply as things to suppress, I started asking what they might be telling me.
Sometimes the better question is not only, “Why did they do that?” but also, “Why has this affected me so strongly?”
4. Looking for the Need Behind the Reaction
Another idea that stayed with me was looking for the need behind behaviour, especially when someone's reaction seems difficult to understand.
A person who becomes impatient may need clarity or efficiency. Someone who becomes quiet may need time to think. Someone who strongly prefers a particular way of working may be trying to protect a sense of responsibility or security.
Understanding a need does not mean approving of every behaviour. That distinction is important.
You can understand why someone is frustrated and still disagree with how they express it. You can respect another person's needs without ignoring your own.
This changed how I think about intercultural communication. Cultural differences do not disappear because we understand them. What changes is our ability to deal with them without immediately judging the person behind them.
5. Saying What I Actually Need
Another practical lesson was learning to express a problem without turning it into a judgement about another person's character.
We are all familiar with statements such as:
“You never listen.”
“You are always rushing.”
“Nobody ever helps around here.”
These sentences communicate frustration, but they also make it easy for the other person to become defensive.
Being more specific gives the conversation somewhere to go. I can describe what happened, explain how it affected me, and make a clear request about what I would like to change.
It is a small difference in wording, but often a much bigger difference in attitude.
The conversation becomes less about proving who is at fault and more about finding a practical way forward.
6. Why This Matters in an ESC Project
Discussing this book with our volunteer group made the ideas much more useful than reading them alone.
In a European Solidarity Corps project, you are not only working with people from different countries. You are sharing routines, responsibilities, spaces, and ordinary parts of daily life with them.
Sometimes the difficulty is language. Sometimes it is personality. Sometimes it is a cultural habit that neither person realises is influencing the situation.
Because of this, I have started to think of intercultural learning less as memorising facts about other countries and more as questioning my own assumptions.
If something feels strange to me, that does not automatically make it wrong. If someone communicates differently, it does not automatically mean they are being uncooperative.
Sometimes the first thing I need to understand is my own reaction.
7. A Book Is Only Useful When Something Changes
Reading the book did not suddenly make me a perfect communicator. It still does not.
I still react too quickly sometimes. I still misunderstand people. There are still conversations where, afterwards, I realise I could have listened more carefully or explained myself more clearly.
The difference is that I notice those moments more often.
I now try to pause before responding when I feel myself becoming defensive. I ask questions when I am unsure rather than filling the gaps with assumptions. I try to separate what I know from what I think. And when something bothers me, I try to understand what is important to me before deciding what to say.
These are small changes. But personal development often happens through small changes repeated many times.
Final Reflections
Reading Nonviolent Communication during my time in Luleå made me look differently at ordinary conversations. Words are only the visible part. Behind them can be expectations, emotions, experiences, cultural habits, and needs.
Becoming more aware of those layers has made me a little slower to judge other people—and a little more willing to question my own reactions.
Before asking whether I have made my point, I can first ask whether I have truly understood.
That is not always easy, and I am still learning. But it is a habit worth practising.
My ESC experience has already taught me that people can express respect, care, frustration, and warmth in very different ways. This book added another lesson: understanding those differences starts with being willing to slow down and listen.
I will probably forget some of the sentences I underlined. What I hope I will remember is the habit behind them: listen a little longer, question my first interpretation, and speak with more awareness.
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