Nonviolent Communication: A Language Of Compassion

By Palina Tupik
 

Let us become the change we seek in the world.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Recently we’ve finished reading “Nonviolent communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg with our community. I want to share with you the story how I was contributing to emotional violence before reading this book without even realizing it and how the thoughts from this book help me now to be more compassionate for my own needs and needs of others.

Before reading it, I was sure that I’m really good at communicating with people. I thought: “Yeah, if there is a problem, I need to immediately talk with the person to solve it because this relationship is really important for me and I want to be 100% sincere with others”. But nobody taught me which words to use to talk about the problems. So, one day I said to my boyfriend Daniel*: “I feel so sad in our relationship as you are non-initiative. Usually I organize all our meetings. Can you just initiate more so I will know that you love me?”. What was I waiting for saying these words? I hoped that my partner would invite me more often to different places to spend time together. What did I receive? Instead he admitted that he is passive, our communication became rarer until finally we decided to break up.

Surely it was not only what I said to Daniel and which words I used that led us to break-up – it’s more complicated than that. But I felt that after this talk, instead of resolving the conflict and enriching everyone’s life, a wall of defense and resentment began to appear between us and it started to be more difficult to speak about the problem. And the problem actually was much deeper than just a lack of initiative, but I couldn’t understand that because I was so concentrated on the thought that his initiative will resolve this problem.

“While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent”, words often lead to hurt and pain”,

I read in the book. Using violence in resolving the conflicts - it's not my value. I don't want words to be a weapon, I want them to be a bridge that connects me with others. So, what is violent and what is nonviolent communication? 

Any communication that causes pain or harm to anyone (including ourselves) is “violent”. When you judge who’s “good/bad” or what’s “right/wrong” with people, blame others, discriminate, have racial bias, speak without listening, criticize others or ourselves, demand something – you contribute to emothional violence. It often hinders communication and creates misunderstanding and frustration; in worse cases it causes anger and pain and can even escalate violence. Have you ever had thoughts in your head or have you ever said to somebody: "It's your fault! ", "I'm really angry because he ignores my texts!" or "She is so rude and unpleasant"? This is violent communication.

Any communication based on true compassion is “nonviolent”. When you are connected to your own feelings and needs and you are not afraid to show yourself vulnerable, you are more likely to talk non-violently to others about the problems in the relationship and more likely to resolve them to each one´s  satisfaction. Nonviolent communication also requires active compassionate listening. This is when you're focused on the other person's feelings and needs which can be hidden in the words the person says.

The method of Nonviolent communication (NVC) which author describes in the book has 4 components:

1.       observation – we say to other person about the concrete action we observe that affect our well-being;
   
2.      feelings – we share how we feel in relation to what we observe;
   
3.      needs – we say about the needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings;
   
4.      requests – we request for the concrete actions which will help to enrich our lives.

Let’s try to use this method in my example.

When it comes to observations, we shouldn’t mix it with evaluation. If we mix it – “people are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying”. Imagine if somebody says that you are really passive and don’t care about your close people. My initial reaction: “No, it’s not true! I do really much!” and I can start to defend myself. But somebody can accept these words, take it personally and start to blame yourself. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy – this person can start to believe that he/she/they are passive, that he/she/they don’t care about others and maybe can even alienate from people not to hurt more. I think the same happened in my relationship with Daniel - he took my words personally. So, if I knew about NVC before, I’d start our talk like this: “The last month I was the initiator of 4 our meetings and I noticed that you haven’t invited me first to any places in this period”.

Expressing feelings is really vulnerable! But it helps other person to understand what’s going on in your heart and to experience our common humanity. This connection with other human beings “can help resolve conflicts” - author claims. Continue my imaginary talk with my ex-boyfriend, I'd say “I feel sad..”.

“What others say and do may be the stimulus, but not the cause, of our feelings”. 

This idea was real insight for me. Before I thought that I’m sad because Daniel hadn’t been calling me to spend time together, so maybe he didn’t love me – I came to this conclusion in desperation. But author continue: 

“We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts”

So, I felt sad not because of him. I felt sad as I had a desire to feel his attention and I had a need of the reassurance that he still was interested in developing our relationship and if not – I really wanted to know his real intentions for dating with me.

The last component of NVC is making requests. We need to use clear, concrete action language and be able to empathize with people when they don’t agree to the request. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior and not to get them to do what you want them to do. The objective of NVC is a relationship based on honesty and empathy. “Would you be willing to share honestly how you are feeling now in our relationship and if you see your future with me?”. And if everything is okay maybe I can ask later: “Would you be willing to invite me twice a month for dating to some places to spend time together?”.

It’s still challenging for me to communicate non-violently with people. It takes much time and efforts to change habitual way of thinking. But I find it really fascinating to try to understand the need which is hidden in a flow of words – mine or of other people. I want to continue to be on this way as it helps to contribute to my value – to see every person as God’s loved creation with unique life experience (and it doesn’t mean to accept and encourage all the things that person does or says). I want to have living relationships where there is a place for everyone's needs and energy flows freely instead of being drained. Nonviolent communication can help me to get to know myself and the world through deep connections with others.

*name of the boyfriend was changed